


Dum Spiro Spero

by YrsAeternum



Series: Mirum Est Paternitas (The Surprise Paternity) [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Family Fluff, Family Issues, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sonny Carisi doing his best, Surprise Child, parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:47:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28576995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YrsAeternum/pseuds/YrsAeternum
Summary: Dum Spiro Spero: While I breathe, I hope.A part of him wanted to be honest, about the phone call he had gotten shortly after getting back home the night before and about how it had led to him getting just a little over an hour of sleep. But knowing the squad would have more questions than he had answers, he bit his tongue and got to work.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: Mirum Est Paternitas (The Surprise Paternity) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2093859
Comments: 5
Kudos: 56





	Dum Spiro Spero

**Author's Note:**

> in my head this is set around early season 19, before barba left the DA's office

  


Day One

  


Carisi dragged his feet as he walked into the squad room, taking a slow sip of his coffee- that on the one morning he desperately needed it seemed to be failing at perking him up. He sat the thermos down on the edge of his desk and went to sit down, dropping into his chair a degree more woefully than he had intended to, which earned him skeptical glances from the squad.

“You hit the clubs after we left Forlini's last night Carisi?” Fin said from across the room and Sonny forced a laugh, taking another swig of his coffee with the hope that he would mask his real emotions. A part of him wanted to be honest, about the phone call he had gotten shortly after getting back home the night before and about how it had led to him getting just a little over an hour of sleep. But knowing the squad would have more questions than he had answers, he bit his tongue and got to work.

And for the most part- he was grateful for the distraction that the workday brought. Until Barba came bursting into the bullpen to discuss the case and pretending he was fine felt like a chore. Rafael dropped his belligerent demeanor to give him a gentle smile and squeeze his hand when he passed his desk to go into Olivia’s office- Carisi swallowing when he stopped short after he got a good look at his face.

“Did you eat today?” He said, and Sonny gave a small nod, glad it was a question that didn’t require answering with a lie. “Yeah, Rollins got us all Subway earlier,” Sonny said, and Rafael seemed to take his answer at face value, leaving Sonny alone with his thoughts as he tried to muddle through the stack of paperwork on his desk.

“Carisi, a word?”

Olivia’s voice, which rang throughout the bullpen just a few minutes after Rafael left again pulled Sonny out of his mental fog. Looking up, he fought a grimace when he saw the look of concern in her eyes. Not that he should have expected Rafael to not be worried. They’d been together for almost a year, and he joked that he knew him just as well as he did the map of the subway system he’d been navigating by himself since he was nine.

“Rafael told you to check on me.” He said as he stepped into the office and closed the door behind him, trying to keep his tone lighthearted. Olivia gave him a knowing smile, leaning against the edge of her desk as he sat down on the couch.

“I was concerned the second you walked in this morning- but I figured if you wanted to talk about it you would.” She said, and Sonny tried desperately to swallow the lump forming in his throat. Coughing awkwardly in an attempt to mask it, he looked at the carpet.

“I do actually, it’s just-” He started and before he could get himself together his eyes started to feel watery. _“Damnit.”_ Sonny cursed under his breath.

Olivia now looked even more concerned than she had been when she called him into her office, slowly sitting down next to him on the couch. “Did something happen after you left last night?” She asked and Sonny quickly shook his head, biting his lip.

“Not like what you’re thinking,” He started, stopping short before continuing.

“After I got home last night I got a call from DCF and they told me a five-year-old boy they found during a VICE raid had a note his mom had stuck in his pocket before sending him to hide, explaining he was mine. When they ran his DNA through the system it verified the note.”

All the words came tumbling out at once, though directed more towards the floor than Olivia- his forehead in his hands.

“They’re bringing him over at eight tonight.” He said and looked up. He had tried to push it to the backburner in his head while he’d been working, but glancing at the clock and realizing eight was a mere five hours away made his heart and stomach lurch.

“If I had known I would’ve told you not to come in today.” She said gently, putting a hand on his shoulder. Sonny just shook his head again, leaning back against the couch cushions.

“I needed the distraction, and it was working until I saw Raf and realized I have no clue how to explain this to him.” He started, a nervous laugh escaping him. “Hey babe, just so you know the next time you come over there’s gonna be a five-year-old running around, oh did I mention he’s my son that I didn’t know existed?”

Olivia rubbed her thumb in circles on his shoulder, looking at him sympathetically. “Take a few days to get into a routine before you worry about that,”

Sighing, Carisi sat up. He had made a late-night run to the store to get some stuff together the night before, but being buzzed from the squad together kept him from getting everything done that needed to be done by the time the social worker he had talked to was at his door.“ If it’s alright with you I think I’m gonna head out.” He said and forced himself up off the couch, Olivia nodding and pulling him into a hug before he walked out.

A couple of hours passed before his phone buzzed again, and he realized Rafael must have gone back to the precinct after he left early.

**Raf**  
_Liv said you left early, and I know you told me not to worry earlier but you looked a little sick. You feeling okay?_

**Soleado**  
_I’m okay. Teresa and her kid are in town and wanted to see me._

Lying grated on him, but he repeated ad nauseam in his head what Olivia had said earlier about how it would probably be best to establish a routine and get through the first few days before explaining things. Sighing and tossing his phone to the ground, he continued unloading the Gap bags in his hand into the guest room dresser, not that it was really a guest room anymore. It was his son’s room, a thought that still felt foreign in his head. 

He tried to eat dinner but his nerves were so rattled that the small amount he actually ate came back up, his head pounding. 7:57 rolled around at breakneck speed, and he was splashing water on his face when the doorbell rang.

Taking a deep breath, he walked out of the bathroom and to the door, stopping short to cross himself buzzing them up. A minute passed before there was a knock and he opened his door, The quiet _“Hiya,”_ that left his mouth sounding more nerve wracked than he had hoped it would, his voice shaky. 

“Hi, I’m the Lindsay that you spoke to on the phone.” The woman standing in front of him said, but her voice was white noise in Sonny’s head as his eyes found the tiny little boy standing half behind her legs, thin blonde hair falling in his eyes. Lindsay followed his gaze with a smile, crouching down and gentle nudging the child out from behind her.

“Remember what we talked about in the car Peyton?” She said softly, Peyton standing perfectly still, looking at his shoes. “Sonny is a policeman who helps people like the ones who helped you a few days ago, you’re going to be safe here.” She said and the five-year-old gave him a quick glance before burying his head in Lindsay’s shoulder, his hands curled around her jacket.

“I want mommy.” He mumbled into her neck, sounding close to tears.

And it made Sonny’s throat constrict too. They hadn’t given him a vast amount of details about the case, only the long and short of it: that his mother had been the right-hand woman to a dealer at the center of one of the biggest cases to come through VICE in the past five years. Sonny only vaguely remembered who she was six years ago. Just a girl that he matched with on Tinder, a girl he could count the number of dates he had with on one hand. She ghosted him and he never thought about her again. But a little boy who was evidently his child standing at his door, his mother facing life in federal prison, no longer allowed him that out of state out of mind sense of peace.

“I know sweetheart,” Lindsay said, pressing a kiss to the side of his head and hugging him tightly. “But I also think you’re really tired. Do you want me to go with you and Sonny to see your bedroom before you go to sleep?”

He seemed amenable enough to that suggestion, letting Lindsay carry him down the hallway after Sonny to his bedroom. Sonny opened the door for them, flicking on the light.

“Here we are kiddo,” He started, his breath catching in his throat when he turned and saw Peyton no longer hiding his face, but looking around the room, with a small smile. _I did that_ he thought, logging it in his head as their first victory.

Lindsay stuck around to help get him into bed, but the sound of the front door closing behind her when she left made Sonny feel like a rug had just been pulled out from under him. He was sitting on the ground next to Peyton’s bed, one of the books he had bought earlier open in his lap waiting to be read.

“I didn’ even know I had a daddy.” Peyton’s small voice said before he could start, Sonny swallowing.

“Well that makes two of us kiddo, I didn’t know I had a son named Peyton until Miss Lindsay called me.” Sonny said and he didn’t say anything, only giving a small sigh and pulling his blanket closer to him than it already was. Sonny opened the book and began to read, the five-year-old drifting off to sleep before he got to the last page.

If he closed the book and stayed where he was on the floor until nearly two in the morning, well then that was his own secret.

  


Day Six

  


“Sonny?” Peyton said as he walked down the sidewalk holding his hand, light up shoes flashing as they hit the pavement. Sonny looked down and raised an eyebrow, Peyton grinning.

“I like you.” He said and walked a little closer to him than they had been before, Sonny squeezing his hand as he felt his heart rising in his throat. The past five days had been five of the hardest of his life, today being the first time he had gotten him out the door without any almost-meltdowns. When they got to the brick building Peyton hugged his legs, Sonny reaching down to ruffle his hair. 

“See you later buddy, I love you.” He said as Peyton pulled back and ran into the building, watching the school door close behind him before going on his way to SVU.

Things at the precinct were hectic, and while he thought he would welcome the distraction it just exacerbated the stress that was brought on by Rafael being around for the entire morning. He could have cried when Olivia asked him to hang back after calling the entire squad into her office, motioning for him to close the door once everyone else walked out.

“I don’t mean to prod, but how are things going with your son?”

Carisi sighed, sitting down on the couch with a shrug. “Alright. When we were walking to school this morning he was happy to share that he liked me.” He said, laughing lightly.

“A great honor to have bestowed upon you by a five-year-old.” Olivia said and he nodded, folding his hands together and tilting his head back to look at the ceiling.

“But now that we have a routine I have to talk to Raf and I wish there was an easy way to do that, but there’s not.” He said, sighing.

The past few nights after getting Peyton to sleep he had stood in front of his bathroom mirror, practicing doing exactly that. But no script felt right or good enough. And the fear was bleeding into every interaction they had with each other. He felt miles away when they went on their lunch break together, and he left his texts on delivered more in the past week than he had in the entire time they’d been dating.

“We haven’t talked about kids, but I assumed that wasn’t something he wanted and made my peace with that when we got together. He didn’t sign up for this, I’d respect his decision if he bowed out but-” Sonny said, leaning forward and chewing on his bottom lip. “That doesn’t mean it wouldn’t feel like a shot to the chest.”

Oliva came out from behind her desk, perching on the edge of it. “You _assumed_ , you just said that yourself.” She said, taking her glasses off. “When I was early in Noah’s adoption process, he told me had been considering adopting as a single parent”

Sonny looked up abruptly. Rafael had never mentioned that, not that he was one to criticize him in that department. 

“and only ended up deciding not to go through with it because he was worried about the risks that carried- with the somewhat constant target on his back.” Olivia continued, a small smile on her face as she stood up. “He adores Noah, and he adores _you_ more than anything in his life. It’s going to be okay.” She said and Sonny nodded, hoping she was right.

The rest of the workday slowed down a bit, it not hurting matters Rafael didn’t need to come in for anything after his visit earlier in the morning. Sonny went straight from the precinct to picking Peyton up at school, the little boy meeting him with a hug. He talked animatedly about his day at school, the pair walking down the sidewalk and taking a detour to Target- a reward Sonny had promised him for getting through the entire week of kindergarten at a new school. 

Peyton had evidently inherited his father’s indecisive streak, unable to decide on what exactly he wanted and dragging Sonny through every square inch of the store in loops as he tried to make up his mind. Which was fine really, given the only other thing they were doing that day was having Amanda and Jesse over for dinner. At least it was fine until Sonny saw a familiar face down the aisle from them, Rafael. He gulped and averting his eyes, putting a gentle hand on Peyton’s shoulder to guide him back towards the toys and away from the home goods department they had been circling for the third time, praying he hadn’t seen them. 

When he recounted it to Amanda over the kitchen counter later that night she only laughed, making a quip about how she didn’t see Barba as the type of guy to be caught dead in a Target. Carisi chuckled but was pulled away by his phone buzzing.

**Raf**  
_I have something for you, are you home?_

“Raf just texted asking if he could swing over to give me something.” He said slowly. Amanda’s eyebrows shot up, and Sonny could see the wheels turning in her head. 

“I could take the kids up to run around on the roof?” She proposed and he told her under no uncertain terms that he owed her his life as she corralled them out into the hallway, pacing for about fifteen minutes before he heard the doorbell and buzzed Rafael up.

“You collecting Squishmallows now?” Rafael said lightly as he walked into the apartment, eyes turned to the two stuffed animals sitting on the couch.

Sonny forced a laugh, running a hand through his hair nervously, regretting that he hadn’t done a one o df of the apartment to move the kid stuff during the time that he had been walking circles around it. “Nah, Jesse left them here last time I babysat.”

Rafael didn’t question the explanation, holding the Target bag in his hand out to Sonny as he sat down on the couch. “I was there earlier, and I thought of you.” He supplied, Sonny sitting down in the armchair across from where he was on the couch as he opened the bag, and ripped away the paper wrapping covering a holding a police novelty mug, a ceramic dress blues hat and flashlight forming the handle.

“Aw, I love it.” Sonny said, leaning forward to kiss him before plopping back down to study it in more detail. “Thank you.”

A beat of silence passed and suddenly the mood in the apartment felt tense, Sonny looking up and not liking the hesitant look on Rafael’s face. He opened his mouth, but Rafael put him to the punch.“Now do you want to tell me what’s really going on?” He said, eyes narrowed. 

Sonny wanted to say something- anything, but his throat felt dry and he only had it in him to pull his eyebrows together in confusion, tapping his foot nervously against the carpet impulsively.

“I saw you at Target,” Rafael started, and Sonny wanted to floor to open up and swallow him. He had decided after talking to Olivia that he would tell him over the weekend, at some point. But this wasn’t how he envisioned that. “You saw me and you looked at me like you were caught red handed and you avoided me.”

Rafael's tone was biting, and Sonny couldn’t completely fault him but he wanted to explain. “Raf,” He started, only for Rafael to keep talking.

“You’ve barely spoken to me all week, I’ve barely seen you outside of work. What’s going on?” He said, and his tone had turned more concerned than angry, but his eyes told another story. It crossed his mind suddenly that Rafael might think he was having an affair, and he wanted to squash that hypothesis immediately.

“Those aren’t mine,” He started slowly, inhaling shortly and closing his eyes, nervous to meet Rafael’s as the next phrase left his mouth. “They’re my son’s. My son that I just found I had twelve days ago.”

There was a pregnant pause and Sonny opened his eyes again, met with Rafael staring at him like he’d just sprouted a second head. He didn’t look angry, which was a relief. But he definitely hadn’t considered that in whatever theories he had concocted up on his way to his apartment.

“You saw me _and_ a little boy at Target, didn’t you?” Sonny said, Rafael running both hands over his face, folding them over his mouth as he brought them down.

“I thought maybe you got custody of a family member, that there was an incident with one of your sisters- or a cousin or something.” He said, his tone wavering. 

Sonny got up then, walking over to the kitchen and pulling a folded up piece of paper out of the silverware drawer before walking back and dropping it gently in Rafael’s lap. “A week ago, I got a call in the middle of the night from VICE telling me they found a little boy in a raid with this in his pocket. DNA verified it.” He said, watching as Rafael unfolded and read the piece of paper. 

It was a short note, but it got straight to the point of saying that a detective in Manhattan named Carisi was the boy’s father, that his mom hadn’t seen him since they slept together six years ago, and that there was no way he had no knowledge of the type of life she had been leading since they stopped talking

Rafael’s face morphed as he read it, and he folded it back up when he was done, looking at Sonny cautiously. “I swear, I had no idea. None, natta, zero,” Sonny started, his voice cracking.“I was going to tell you soon, I even talked to Liv about it today. I thought maybe over the weekend-”

Rafael cut him off, passing back the note and squeezing his hand when he did. “I believe you Sonny,” He said, Sonny sitting back down next to him and running his tongue over his bottom lip for a moment before speaking. 

“I’m sorry I’ve been distant, we’ve been trying to get into a routine and the only other places he’s ever lived besides here were rundown crack apartments.” He started, Rafael tilting his head towards him gently with his hand.

“You’re not going to apologize for putting your child first, I’d be more upset if you weren’t doing that.” He said as he lowered his hand.

And Sonny appreciated it, he did. But knowing what was coming next didn’t allow him to release the tension from his shoulders. “I appreciate the niceties but I respect that you didn’t sign up for this, and if you’re gonna bow out now I’d rather you just get it over with.” He said, the apartment falling silent again.

“Do you want to break up?” Rafael said after a beat and Sonny shook his head, looking across at him cautiously. Rafael scooted a little closer, putting a hand on his knee.

“Then we aren’t going to.” He started, and Sonny could have cried. “Your kid needs to be your priority right now, and maybe that means seeing a little less of each other for a bit. But I love you, I love you so much.” Rafael continued, rubbing the pad of his thumb over his partner’s knee. “And as long as you want me here I’m here.”

The tears he felt like he had been holding in for the past week couldn’t stay put any longer, falling freely down his face now. Rafael wiped them away gently, Sonny laughing lightly through his sniffles. “Rollins is here right now actually, she took the kids to go run circles on the roof when you texted.” He said, and saw Rafael laugh for the first time in a week as he stood back up.

“I’ll see you later but,” He started, pulling Sonny to his feet and crowding into his space, kissing him once before pulling back. “That mug genuinely did make me think of you. I wasn’t just using it as a plot device.”

“I love you.”

  


Day Fifteen

  
  
  


“Whatcha doin daddy?” Peyton said as he walked into the kitchen, a pencil box and pad of paper under one arm and one of his stuffed animals under the other. 

Sonny turned when he heard his voice, grinning. He had moved from calling him by his first name to calling him daddy two days ago, and he was big enough to admit it made his heart burst every single time. 

“Making breakfast, what are _you_ doing Peyton?”

“Gonna color a picture of me an’ you.” He said as he sat down at the table, dumping all of his crayons out of the pencil box and out of the table, not minding the few that rolled to the ground. Sonny laughed and bent down to pick them up before turning back to the stove, only for his attention to be pulled away again by his phone buzzing. 

**Raf**  
_Does your son like Frozen? Also just realized you never told me his name._

Sonny smiled when he saw the text, hovering his thumb over the keyboard for a moment before responding. Olivia, per usual, was right and the truth coming out didn’t change their relationship half as much as he expected it to. They were seeing each other less sure, but without the anvil of some big secret hanging over their head things were mostly normal, even if he did miss spending the night with him and seeing him in a homier setting than the Panera down the street from One Hogan Place. 

**Soleado**  
_Peyton and yeah he’s obsessed. Obsessed is probably underselling it, to be honest._

He got a text back within seconds, leaning back against the counter as he read it. 

**Raf**  
_A friend of mine is an usher at the Broadway show and was able to hook me up with tickets for tonight. Your kid, your call- but if you want me to meet him it might not hurt to use a musical he likes as the setting. If not you can take him by yourself, my treat._

Contemplating for a moment, Sonny decided it wouldn’t hurt to run the idea by Peyton and leave it up to him, setting his phone down and turning the heat on the stove top down before walking out to the table. Peyton looked up and turned his paper around to show his dad what he had been drawing. 

“Do you like the colors I’m usin’? He said, Sonny smiling at the drawing- a half done portrait of what looked like the two of them standing underneath a rainbow.

“You’re a really good artist, but there is something I wanna talk to you about.” He said, Peyton pulling his paper back and looking at him curiously.

“You know how Miss Lindsay has a boyfriend?” Sonny said as he sat down, hoping he was doing this right. “Sometimes women have relationships like that with other women, and guys have relationship like that with other guys-”

Peyton cut him off, concentrated.“I already knew t’at daddy, I’m smart ya know.” He said and went to go back to his coloring, only looking back up when Sonny gently took the purple crayon out of his hand to redirect his attention.

“You’re very smart, I was asking because I have a partner who’s a guy named Rafael,” He started, Peyton looking a little more intrigued than he did before. “He’s been my partner for almost a whole year, we love each a lot and he just texted me asking if you’d want to go with me and him to see the Frozen musical on stage tonight.”

“Is he nice?” The five year old said, biting his bottom lip.

Sonny smiled, putting one of his hands over the child’s. “He’s very nice, he’s a lawyer which means when me and Miss Olivia and Miss Amanda catch bad guys he goes to court and makes sure they go to jail for a long time.”

Tilting his head, Peyton pulled his eyebrows together and looked at his dad in thought for a moment before talking. “Like a superhero? It’d be cool to see Frozen with a real live superhero.” He said and Sonny laughed, reminding himself to text that comparison to Rafael later, assuring Peyton that he was like a superhero before getting up to finish making breakfast.

The rest of the day passed quickly, Peyton practically dragging Sonny out the door when it was time to go downtown and meet Rafael at the theater.

Sonny spotted him standing by the entrance of the theatre and holding a small bundle of sunflowers wrapped in brown paper in one hand, Peyton growing shyer as they walked closer, Sonny calling out for him and grinning as he looked up.

“Hi baby,” Rafael said and passed him the flowers, Sonny taking them with a short chaste kiss to his lips before stepping back and running a hand through Peyton’s hair where he stood next to him.

“And are you Peyton?” Rafael said, crouching down to her level. The five-year-old smiled shyly, looking between Rafael and his dad. He gave him a small nod, rocking on his heels.

“I heard that you told your dad you think lawyers are superheroes and some people don’t like lawyers a whole lot, so it was nice to hear someone thought my job was _that_ cool.” He continued, Peyton giggling, evidently swayed enough by the compliment to be a little less shy when he reached for Rafael’s hand with the one not holding Sonny’s as they walked inside.

Sonny was surprised the same little boy who fell asleep before the end of the short kids' movies he watched on Netflix stayed completely glued to a two and a half hour musical, only taking his eyes off the stage long enough to crawl into Sonny’s lap when the abominable snowman entered. The energy carried over to the train, only constrained by Sonny informing him he had to sing to himself quietly and in his seat, not loudly and running up and down the aisle. Rafael followed them up the stairs when they got back to their apartment, Sonny turning to kiss him and tell him he’d be ten minutes before steering the five-year-old down the hallway to his room to get ready for bed.

His energy levels significantly dropped once pajamas were on, but even so he had one more request before crawling under the covers.

“He wanted to say goodnight,” Sonny said from the front of the hallway, Rafael turning from his spot on the couch with a smile

“Thanks for taking me to the Frozen show.” He said quietly, leaning against Sonny’s leg.

“You’re welcome honey, I’m glad you had a good time.” Rafael replied and Peyton gave him a wave before following Sonny back to his room.

Sonny came back out within a few minutes, sliding onto the couch and being met with Rafael immediately pulling him in for a kiss, his hands cupped around his face. Rafael deepened the kiss for a few seconds before pulling back, Sonny tilting his head.

“What was that for?” He said, Rafael putting an arm around his shoulder to pull him closer, Sonny resting his head on his shoulder.

“You’re a good dad.” Rafael said, Sonny laughing lightly

“It's barley been two weeks.” He said, Rafael only running a hand up and down his arm and continuing to talk. “I know. But he’s lucky to have you in his corner, and he thinks you’re the best dad in the world- I can tell.”

“You’re gonna make me cry.” Sonny said, Rafael raising an eyebrow. “More than Elsa?” He said and Sonny shoved his shoulder lightly for bringing up the fact that he shed maybe one or two tears during the show. _Maybe_. Leaning even closer to him than he already was, and draping any arm around the front of his waist, Sonny gave a content sigh- more hopeful than he had been 2 weeks ago that the moral arc of the universe bent towards happy endings.

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i am not new to barisi writing but when i made my new stan twitter i also wanted a new a03 so here we are (: i have a few ideas for more little stories in this universe but if y'all got ideas feel free to throw 'em at me.
> 
> i live for comments! and come hang out on twitter, my @ is the same as my username here. special s/o to Ava_Now who has built a really precious barisi as dads!universe over the past few months. your stories are a part of what motivated me to write this.


End file.
